Bonanza
December 6, 2023
Paddy goes on Mastermind.
Question master: "Your specialist subject please?"
Paddy: "Bonanza."
QM: "Sorry, we can't allow Bonanza, you'll have to choose another subject."
Paddy: "Feck's sake, OK I'll take the bible."
QM: "Your time starts now. Who was the 1st man on earth."
Paddy: "Hoss."
QM: "Wrong, it was Adam."
Paddy: "Feck's sake, I knew it was one of the Cartwrights."
Just saying...
VARCICAL! Who'd have thought? VAR has made our incompetent officials even more incompetent
October 28, 2019
No-one can ever say that being a football referee is a cushy job, they have to run approximately 8 miles per match and more, if extra time is involved. Also football referees at any level need to have a really thick skin to tolerate the torrent of abuse by fans at matches, in the mainstream media and on social media. However being a referee can be very lucrative. Premier League referees are paid a retainer of £40,000 per year plus £1,150 per Premier League match and £7000 per Champions League match on top of that. So a top Premier League official could quite easily earn £100,000 plus per year and for that amount of money, you'd expect a referee would be somewhat competent at his job.
Unfortunately, for the last few years Premier League referees and their assistants have been performing abysmally. Their ridiculous decisions in matches have cost football managers their jobs, cost football clubs millions of pounds and cost punters a small fortune. In any other walk of life, employees performing as incompetently as these officials have been performing game after game, week after week, would be sacked. Yet incredibly, what do these officials receive for their incompetence? They receive all expenses paid trips around Europe to show the rest of the continent just how incompetent they are when officiating at Champions League and Europa League fixtures. At least FIFA realised the incompetence of our referees, and for the first time in 80 years there were no British referees officiating at the 2018 World Cup in Russia.
This season VAR (Video Assistant Referee) was introduced to alleviate the incompetence of our officials by helping them to make the correct decisions at crucial moments in matches. Despite VAR having all the tools available such as multiple angles at which to view any incident and instant and ultra slow motion replays, the VAR officials are still making appalling decisions. To be fair, VAR has overturned some ridiculous offside decisions made by linesmen (that's what they are, they should NOT be called assistant referees) in a timely manner, but VAR has also taken an eternity to eventually arrive at the WRONG decisions regarding some offside and penalty kick incidents. Now that VAR is in place, the actual referees and their linesmen officiating at matches are not to blame for these ludicrous decisions. They cannot be expected to see EVERY single incident that takes place during a match. It is the job of the official who is operating the VAR to help the match officials make the right call when there is an important decision to be made but the VAR officials seem to be watching a different game to which the match referees are officiating in.
So until we can have competent officials operating VAR, we may as well scrap it now and go back to the usual incompetence by football officials that we are used to.
One redeeming factor regarding our incompetent officials is that there are far worse referees in most of the leagues around Europe.
Just saying...
George Galloway - Why we must leave the EU.
October 4, 2019
Love him or loathe him, George Galloway always gives it to you straight. His views on Brexit must be heard and in this video, George explains why we MUST implement the referendum result and LEAVE the EU.
Just saying...
Why would any sane person vote for the Dim Lebs?
September 17, 2019
So there we have it, the political party ironically named the Liberal Democrats, have finally shown they don’t care one iota about democracy. They now state that if they were to win a majority at the next general election, (people will be living on Pluto before that ever happens) they will revoke Article 50, therefore completely disregarding the democratic wishes of 17.4 million people who voted to leave the EU. Now whether you voted leave or remain, this seems to me to be very undemocratic. They are relying on millions of remain voters ditching Labour and the Conservatives and voting Dim Leb in the upcoming election and while they will probably gain a few seats from this move, they will still only be the fourth largest party overall.
The Dim Lebs had 12 elected MP’s and have since been boosted in the last few weeks by a ragtag team of unelected defectors from the Labour and Conservative parties. Here are a few reasons not to vote Dim Leb.
From left to right:
The leader of the Dim Lebs, fracking queen Jo Swinson.
This is the woman who, while a minister in the coalition government voted with the Tories more times than hard-line Tories such as Michael Gove. She voted for austerity, the bedroom tax, cuts to welfare and many other policies inflicted on the most vulnerable in society. However, the worse betrayal she inflicted was on university students. The Dim Lebs main manifesto pledge of 2010 was to cut tuition fees and what did they do? They trebled tuition fees. Along with Clegg and Cable, she managed to cut the number of Dim Leb MP’s from 57 in 2010 to just 8 in 2015.
She has since stated that she made the wrong decision on that issue but has learned from her mistakes. It seems to me that she hasn’t learned anything at all. In 2010 she completely ignored university students and now she wants to completely ignore the will of 17.4 million people. She’s deluded if she believes she can be Prime Minister, in fact she’ll do well to hold on to her seat at the next election.
Chucker Umunna, defected from - I can’t remember which party he chucked in last.
Spent years lambasting the Dim Lebs when he was a Labour MP for his beloved constituency of Streatham. Also spent the last three years telling us that the good people of Streatham voted for him and not the Labour Party. How does he repay his beloved constituents? This smarmy individual is not standing for re-election in his beloved Streatham in the next election. The less said about Chucker the better but if you want more, read the following article (Chucker’s not wrong, politics IS broken!).The last time I checked Chucker was still a member of the Dim Lebs but that was a couple of hours ago.
Sarah Wollaston, defected from - took basically the same route as Chucker.
In 2011 this woman actually backed a Bill stating that any MP who decides to change parties - in other words, crosses the Floor or “defects”, should trigger an automatic by-election so that their constituents can have the final say on their decision. She has up to this moment in time, changed parties at least twice without calling a by-election so I guess she meant any MP except for herself.
Phillip Lee, defected from the Conservatives.
Crossed the floor to the Dim Lebs during a statement from the Prime Minister. Talk about attention grabbing headlines! Jumped ship hours before he was going to be sacked anyway. Long standing critic on same-sex marriage and ran a campaign to ban people with HIV from entering the UK. His views have already caused a revolt within the Dim Lebs with several members quitting.
Luciana Berger, defected from - took basically the same route as Chucker and Wollaston.
Seems like a nice enough lady, can’t say anything about her except she should have triggered a by-election.
Angela Smith, defected from - took the same route as Chucker, Wollaston and Berger.
During the MP’s expenses scandal of 2009 she was found to have claimed £66,500 under the additional costs allowance (ACA) scheme for second homes over three years including the cost of four beds for a one bedroom flat. Once referred to people from black, Asian and minority ethnic backgrounds as having a “funny tinge”.
Sam Gyimah, defected from the Conservatives.
Has stuck solidly to his principles apart from swearing blind that he would never defect to the Dim Lebs.
So what do this motley lot of hypocrites have in common? They are all staunch remoaners who want to stop Brexit and have been welcomed with open arms by the Dim Lebs who have absolutely no principles. It’s also pretty obvious that none of them will stand for re-election in their current constituencies which shows they really are in it for themselves and definitely not acting in the best interests of the country.
So unless you’re mentally ill, undemocratic or have a very short memory (all three if you're already a member) why on earth would you vote for the loonies that are the Dim Lebs?
Just saying...
Chucker’s not wrong, politics IS broken!
August 8, 2019
Chucker Umunna has stated time and again over the last six months that politics is broken and you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why.
One of the reasons politics is broken is that there are over 400 MP’s representing constituencies who voted to leave the EU in the 2016 referendum and yet, here we are, over three years later and the country is in a complete mess over Brexit. It’s plainly obvious that there is a large number of MP’s who need to spend more of their time representing and complying with their constituent’s wishes and far less time trying to be d-list celebrities. There is also the small matter of at least a dozen MP’s who have resigned from the party from which they were elected to by their constituents and jumped ship to become an Independent or in the case of the majority of this dirty dozen, formed and/or joined (in some cases both) other parties without a thought for their constituents, without whom, no MP would have a job in the first place. These dirty dozen MP’s maintain that it is true democracy to hold another referendum or people’s vote in a bid to stop Brexit, yet they don’t feel it is true democracy to put themselves up for re-election, presumably in fear of losing their jobs.
Chucker himself, has been in more parties in the last six months than Christopher Biggins and the good people of Streatham who, despite Chucker’s ridiculous claim that they voted for him and not the Labour party, must be wondering which party they will be represented by next. Chucker, on finally realising that he was going no further than the back benches in the Labour party, duly chucked them in to become an Independent MP, stating that the Labour party no longer shared his values. He then chucked that in to form a new political party with a bunch of other remoaners calling themselves The Independent Group. He then chucked that very original name for the party and changed their name to Change UK. Chucker soon realised that was a complete waste of time, especially when being overlooked as leader and chucked this party in to become an Independent MP again. One week later he chucked being an Independent MP in again and joined the Dim Lebs, presumably tempted with the offer of promotion to the position of Dim Lebs Spokesperson for Business and Industrial Strateg
Let’s not forget, this is the same Dim Lebs party that Chucker has lambasted for the last few years especially when the Dim Lebs were in cohorts with the Conservatives from 2010 – 2015. The same party who helped to introduce austerity, the bedroom tax, welfare cuts and despite the main pledge in the Dim Lebs manifesto being to cut tuition fees, they ended up tripling them. It’s refreshing to see Chucker has now joined a party that does indeed share his values. The only redeeming factor about this smarmy, delusional and narcissistic individual is that his constituency of Streatham voted to remain in the E.U. and Chucker is representing his constituent’s wishes. Another reason politics is broken is that we are now in the absolutely ludicrous position of having the constituencies of Totnes and Broxtowe, (both voted to leave the EU in the 2016 referendum and also elected Sarah Wollaston and Anna Soubry respectively as Conservative MP’s to represent them in the House of Commons) now being represented by MP’S of parties they did not vote for and even worse, their elected MP’s (Wollaston and Soubry) are two of the strongest supporters of stopping Brexit altogether. They along with a few others of the dirty dozen can do this in the knowledge that there is nothing their constituents can do to stop them.
This is due to the ‘Recall of MPs Act 2015’ which states that constituents are not allowed to initiate proceedings for a recall of their elected MP, unless an MP is found guilty of a wrongdoing that fulfils certain criteria. Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I would have thought that the shenanigans of Chucker and the rest of the dirty dozen do indeed amount to at least, some kind of wrongdoing.
This completely crazy Recall of MPs Act 2015 has to be abolished and a new law made citing that any MP who resigns from the party their constituents elected them for, the MP should be suspended immediately, a by-election should be triggered and until the outcome of said by-election is decided, the elected MP should be banned from the House of Commons. After all, it’s scary to think that the future of the UK stands in the hands of this dirty dozen MP’s, all of whom are staunch remoaners.
In the last fortnight or so, a couple of MP’s have introduced their latest brainwaves on how to stop Brexit. Firstly we had Caroline Lucas, the barmy and one and only elected MP from the even barmier Green party with her proposal to form an emergency cabinet of national unity with the sole purpose of stopping a no-deal Brexit. The qualifications required to be in this cabinet are: you have to be white, you have to be a woman and you have to be a remoaner. This comes from a woman who takes great delight in repeatedly telling anyone who will listen to her, that Donald Trump is a racist and misogynist.
Secondly we had the fracking queen Jo Swinson, the newly elected leader of the Dim Lebs with her proposal to form an emergency cross-party government, again with the sole intention of stopping a no-deal Brexit. Not only did she propose this crazy idea, she wants to choose who should lead this temporary government. At the last count, the Dim Lebs had 12 elected MP’s, now boosted to 14 by Chucker and Wollaston’s defections and no doubt soon to be boosted even further by more defections from the dirty dozen. The Dim Lebs have completely ignored the result of a democratic referendum. Indeed, the fracking queen has already stated that should there be another referendum and the leave vote was to win again, she would not accept the result of that referendum either. That’s hardly democratic from a party ironically named, The Liberal Democrats.
I've read the Government's EU Referendum propaganda leaflet numerous times and nowhere does it state: "If the country votes to leave the EU, that result will be passed onto the House of Retards in Westminster where a bunch of clowns will decide that leave is the WRONG decision and that those who voted leave, were too stupid to have been allowed to vote in the first place".
While I agree with the remoaners that ‘Leave – without a deal’ was not on the ballot paper, ‘Leave – but only with a deal’ was not on the ballot paper either.
One other thing, when will someone explain to the remoaner MP’s what even a six year old would know, 48% is not half of the country!
So, until some MP’s stop being hypocritical liars and admit that trying to stop a no-deal Brexit actually means stopping Brexit altogether, start listening to their constituents (and the country in general) and do what they have been asked to do and this crazy Recall Act is abolished to stop MP’s just jumping ship when they choose to, without any consequences, I’m afraid that Chucker is correct, Politics is and will remain to be broken.
Just saying...
Salmond Fishing in the Yeah Men
September 22, 2014
Alex Salmond the First Minister of Scotland and leader of the ‘Yes’ campaign for Scottish Independence signed an agreement two years ago and as recently as one week ago, stated on TV to the watching world that Win or Lose, ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ he would abide by whatever decision the democratic people of Scotland delivered in the referendum on Scottish Independence.
Last Thursday the people of Scotland voted to remain as part of the United Kingdom. Less than four days later Alex Salmond has shown just what a sore loser he really is. He has harped on and on reminding us of the 1.6 million Scots who did vote for Independence with barely a mention of the two million Scots who voted to stay in the Union. He is already bleating that the UK government will renege on their promise of more power to the Scottish Parliament. He has also been quoted stating that Scotland doesn’t even need a referendum to become Independent. He has also stated that thousands of ‘Yes’ voters had been tricked into changing their vote to ‘No’ by the promise of more power coming to Scotland. He has made repeated claims that thousands more ‘Yes’ voters had changed their vote due to excessive scaremongering by the Better Together campaign.
Now, I actually do believe that a few thousand voters were indeed swayed by the promise of more power, but I would suggest that many thousands more supposed ‘Yes’ voters who, when in the cold light of day, standing alone inside the polling booth with ballot paper in hand, decided to vote with their heads rather than their hearts, realising that an Independent country’s foundation has to be built on policies and beliefs that are slightly more substantial than just being anti-English.
There is no way on earth that this man can or will wait for a generation before having another crack at Independence. The problem he has, is that while holding such a prominent position in the Scottish Parliament and government, he cannot be seen or heard to be doing anything that may hinder or disrupt the promised transfer of powers from the UK government to Scotland.
So, on Friday he resigned from his positions as First Minister of Scotland and as the leader of the SNP but not before reminding us that ‘his dream’ of Independence will never die whilst again showing nothing but contempt and scant regard towards the majority of the Scottish people who obviously do not share ‘his dream’.
By resigning Mr. Salmond can now slither into the background where he can go fishing deep into the murky waters of the Yes Men, searching for co-conspirators with whom he can cause as much havoc and disruption as possible whilst continuing with his mad obsession for Scottish Independence.
Rest assured we have not heard the last of Alex Salmond. This is a selfish, bitter and twisted man who will not rest until he is seated on the Stone of Scone, inside Edinburgh Castle having just been crowned King of Scotland.
To the majority of the democratic people of Scotland who voted No to Independence, let me remind you that voting No does not make you any less Scottish than the minority who voted Yes it just makes you far more intelligent.
Just saying...
Campaign for Men Only Checkouts at Supermarkets.
September 21, 2014
When most men go to the supermarket, they kind of know what they want before they enter, they go in, get their stuff, pay for it and leave. This is the reason I am campaigning for a new law stating that all supermarkets must have at least one ‘Men Only’ checkout.
The reason for this campaign needs to be addressed urgently and I will give my reasons why. I am not saying that any of the following is true of all women, indeed some of the following has probably happened to quite a few women themselves and they are more than likely to get just as annoyed as I do. Usually I have one of these issues every time I go to the supermarket, sometimes two in the same visit but how unlucky can one person be to have all of these issues happen on the one visit to a supermarket?
One day last week I was out and about and remembered that I needed some milk and a bag of rice. I went along to the supermarket thinking that I couldn’t be there too long with what I had to buy. I found what I needed pretty quickly but as per usual bought a load of other junk that I didn’t really need and headed to the dreaded checkout. As I’ve experienced trouble before, I never use those self-service checkouts, I always get error messages stating “Please place item in bagging area,” so you put said item in bagging area only to be told “Unexpected item in bagging area” etc. What do these machines call ‘Unexpected’? I’ve just scanned a bag of rice then placed it in the bagging area only to be told “Unexpected item in bagging area”, just what did the machine expect me to place there? A guitar? So you look for an assistant and if you can actually find one, they come and reset the machine whereby you scan your next item and the whole process starts over again. It’s a nightmare. So I have to join a checkout queue and as I have never had any luck in choosing the quickest queue to join, I thought I would try some new tactics.
So there I was hiding behind a pillar surveying the checkouts in much the same way as a pride of lions stalking a herd of wildebeest. There were seven checkouts open and I quickly narrowed them down to a choice of three, then down to one and proceeded to join the queue. Although my queue was not the shortest I chose this queue because the people in front of me had fewer items in their baskets or trollies than the customers at the other queues. In fact the only person, who had any amount of shopping at all in my queue, was the woman directly in front of me. She had a trolley that was stacked with so much food, the trolley was taller than her and I swear, what was in the trolley could have fed me for at least six months. I am usually a good judge of people and although she had a mountain of stuff in her trolley I judged that she looked quite sensible and wouldn’t be too slow at getting through the checkout. As soon as I had joined my queue, I looked around and took note of what position I would have been in the other two queues had I joined one of them instead (admit it, you all do it too). After a few minutes there was only one customer (who was nearly finished) and the woman with the enormous trolley of food in front of me. I looked at the other two queues I could’ve joined and they had hardly moved at all. I felt like breaking into a song and dance routine, I was so pleased that for once in my entire life, maybe at long last, I had chosen the correct queue. I didn’t, (I’m so unlucky when choosing queues. There was one instance where I was in a queue and had been queueing for five to ten minutes going nowhere fast, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed another checkout about five checkouts down from me was just about to open, I quickly left the queue I was in and headed over there. Unfortunately half the supermarket had also noticed this and by the time I got to that queue there were more people in front of me there than there was in the queue I had just left) so I wasn’t getting overly confident just yet. The woman in front of me started putting her stuff on the conveyor belt which surprisingly, for quite a big supermarket was not very long. I’m guessing it was only about six feet long, mind you, with all the food in this woman’s trolley, she’d have needed a conveyor belt half a mile long to get all her stuff on to it. The woman in front of her had gone and I’m next in line, I look around at the other two queues again and I’m miles in front of where I would have been had I chosen any of those queues. I’m smiling to myself, finally thinking my luck had changed. Big mistake. As I said the conveyor belt wasn’t very long and as this woman was piling her stuff on to it, the cashier was scanning the items and pushing them down the slip-off area at the other end. This woman did not think to stop piling her stuff on to the conveyor belt and go down the other end and start packing some of her stuff. Even when you could see that the poor cashier was struggling to reach over the till, trying to balance the mountain of stuff that was being chucked at her into neat piles to stop it falling over the sides, this woman kept ploughing her stuff onto the conveyor belt. Finally, she had no more stuff to cram on to the belt and went down the other end to start packing. The cashier started to give her a hand packing but was told quite abruptly and rather rudely that rice does not go in the same bag as apples. Rice goes in the same bag as pasta; apples go in the same bag as fruit: potatoes go in the same bag as vegetables etc. etc. This woman was giving the poor cashier such a hard time that I was stunned and amazed at how anyone could be so cruel to someone who was only trying to help. Finally she had all her stuff packed into bags and then jammed all these bags back into the trolley. I immediately thought to myself: seeing as this woman was such a finicky person, why didn’t she just chuck all the stuff back into the trolley, grab 100 bags, wheel the trolley to her car and pack all her stuff there. At least it would have saved me waiting another 15 minutes. Still, all she had to do now was to pay and go and that shouldn’t take too long. Wrong. She then handed over around twenty vouchers/coupons which is no big deal as I’ve used them myself now and again. The cashier scanned these vouchers/coupons and the majority of them went through first time, a couple went through after the cashier had manually entered whatever number she had to enter but there was a couple that just wouldn’t work. No matter how many times the cashier manually entered whatever number she had to enter, they just wouldn’t work. Rather than give up on these coupons and try them the next time she came shopping, the woman insisted that the coupons were valid and she wanted to use them there and then. A supervisor was called for and by this time I was slowly losing the will to live and was truly glad that this particular supermarket didn’t sell rope as I would probably have gotten some and quite happily topped myself. Five minutes later the supervisor appeared and no matter how hard he tried, the coupons wouldn’t work for him either. With the woman still determined to use these two coupons, the supervisor somehow managed to lay these coupons off against some of the items she had bought and after a saving of a further 35 pence the woman seemed content. Now all she has to do is pay, surely that wouldn’t take too long? Wrong again. She decided to pay with cash which really shouldn’t be a problem should it? This is where I need a woman, any woman to explain to me, the logic of how some women pay for goods. I have seen this happen on numerous occasions and still have no idea why this happens. This woman’s bill was £144.93, why did she insist on handing over £161.28 which included emptying her purse of every single piece of smash that was in there. I mean why would she take all that time to count it all out, then the cashier has to count it all out too, only to get some smash back as change. Why do women do that? At this time I was praying that this woman would be out and about later on and find herself desperately in need of the toilet. The only toilet available for miles is one of those pay toilets and she can’t use it because she doesn’t have enough change. Anyway after all that nonsense she left the checkout and went on her merry way, I spent around two minutes at the checkout when it was my turn but it felt like I had been there for hours.
That is not the only reason for my campaign. What is it with certain women and supermarkets? Some women don’t go to the supermarket to shop for groceries, they go there for a day out, and in fact I’m pretty sure some of them would rather go to the supermarket than go to the pub. They block the aisles with their trollies chatting away about all kinds of nonsense to someone they have just met and if you dare to ask if you can get past, they tut-tut you then give you such a disgusting look that you’d think that you’d just asked them “how much for an all-nighter”. Some women need to be told that a supermarket is not a crèche where you can allow your crazy kids to run amok like raving lunatics, nor is it a suitable venue to hold the annual Women’s Guild meeting. I would be willing to bet good money that there are some women who walk into the supermarket at 10am and walk out at 3.30pm and all they have to show for all that time is a pint of milk.
Am I just being cranky again or should I get my campaign rolling?
Just saying...
At the Psychiatrist
September 10, 2014
After that business with my phone the other week at the doctors, I thought you may like to know why I was there in the first place.
I’d been having some really strange dreams for a long while so I made an appointment to see the doctor. After I’d explained the dreams to him he said he would have to refer me to a psychiatrist. I said I wasn’t too happy about that but he told me there was a resident psychiatrist right next door to his office and as luck would have it, she’d just had a cancellation and she could see me immediately. So I popped next door, sat down and the psychiatrist asked “Now sir, your doctor has told me you’ve been having some strange dreams. May I ask what these dreams are about”? I replied rather sheepishly “I keep dreaming that I’m a dog and in these dreams I do all the things a normal dog does, such as fetching sticks, wagging my tail, peeing on trees and humping anyone’s leg that I could get a hold of”. She then asked “Just how long have you been having these dreams”? To which I replied “Ever since I was a puppy”. She gave me a really funny look and then said “Jump up and lie on the couch” and I told her “I can’t…. I’m not allowed”.
Just saying...
"Stunning Work of Art"
September 9, 2014
This is the news story doing the rounds concerning an artist and her young daughter who between them are believed to be creating: and these are not the words I would use, “Stunning Works of Art”. Upon reviewing this article I decided to give it a try and even though I know I can’t even draw the curtains, I’m thrilled and excited by the end result. After surveying what my vivid imagination had achieved I was inspired to incorporate a portrait of a friend and her dog into my complex sketch and as you can see from the finished project, they have blended in rather nicely and helped to create a “Stunning Work of Art”.
Come onnnnnnnn, Really?
Now, before you all jump all over me and bombard me with remarks such as “Aww leave her alone: she’s only 2 years old: she’s lovely” etc. etc. I don’t care whether she’s 2 or 8 years old, what she’s doing is exactly the same as almost every other kid on the planet in that age range does, and that is “Scribbling”. They continue to scribble until being told by most normal parents that scribbling is not good: drawing or painting is good: if they want to draw or paint, drawing or painting something interesting is good and preferably on a piece of paper and not the living room wall. If any normal mother was in the kitchen and while there, her young daughter had gotten hold of a crayon or paintbrush and made a mess of the living room wall, I’m pretty sure that upon seeing the aforementioned mess the mother’s first words wouldn’t be “Awww sweetheart, that’s lovely, let me see how mummy can somehow incorporate some kind of nonsense painting into your beautiful, complex and awe-inspiring scribble”. Nope. Most normal mothers would say something akin to “RIGHT young lady, off to bed for YOU and NO supper”.
Just saying...
Why I Need a New Phone
September 8, 2014
A few years ago I must’ve been one of only two people in the UK who didn’t have a mobile phone, always vowing to never get one. However, without my knowledge a good friend of mine went out, bought me a cheap phone and set up an account for me with a well-known provider. It was a basic enough phone for me, did what it was supposed to do but it only had ONE ring tone and what a really bad ring tone it was. It was like some cheesy disco dancing tune from the 70’s, it was that bad that if someone called me when I was in the pub, I wouldn’t answer because I was so embarrassed and didn’t want people to see that it was my phone that was ringing. I soon got onto the provider, upgraded to a Blackberry and since then, whenever my contract is up I’ve always gotten a new Blackberry.
Just over a year ago when my latest contract was up, I got a shiny new Blackberry, a new contract and an absolutely brilliant tariff with the same provider. This time I chose a touch screen as they seemed to be all the rage. Up to a couple of months it had been working great, then it started acting strange, but lately it’s taken on a mind of its own. It’s as if it has a personnel vendetta against me.
Just over a week ago I had my 1st appointment with my new doctor at a new surgery. I got off the bus, walked through the sliding doors, noticed a big TV with the volume off, a table full of books and magazines and a familiar sounding tune playing in the background. I grabbed a Rafael Nadal biography and started flicking through it. I quickly realised that it was a little known Stevie Ray Vaughan tune that was playing in the background. At this time there were another two people in the waiting room along with me. The next tune to start playing was an Eric Clapton & Freddie King tune that lasts for eight minutes and I’m sitting there thinking to myself, this is one cool waiting room. I’m still flicking through this book when the next tune starts playing and it was only my favourite Buddy Guy tune ever. I’m really getting into this song, knowing for sure now that this is the best waiting room of any surgery on the planet when I realise I’ve been in here waiting quite a while. I quickly work out the timings of the tunes that have been playing, go into my pocket to get my phone out to see what the time is and suddenly see that it was my phone that was playing these great tunes. I panicked, quickly turned the phone off and looked embarrassingly around at the 4 or 5 people that were now there waiting along with me. They all just ignored me as if nothing untoward had happened at all, which I found rather strange because I don’t have the best hearing in the world, and the volume of what I though was the background music was certainly loud enough for me so it must have been a hell of a lot louder for them. Maybe they all had worse hearing than me but I WAS really embarrassed about the whole thing.
Today I had to go to Ealing, the bus was packed and I was squashed between a big guy and a young girl. I mean this guy was massive; he was wearing shorts and one of those tiny vests. His legs were like tree trunks and his arms, shoulders and neck had muscles on top of muscles. He could easily have made a little more room for the rest of us but I wasn’t going to ask him. He looked like a proper geezer. I did what I had to do and a couple of hours later I was heading back to the Broadway to get the bus home. While walking there, my phone beeped letting me know I had a text message. I looked at the phone and there was a message saying that my device was full and I had to delete some content to free up space. I closed the message, noticed the text was from a friend of mine, thought I’d go sit in the park, have a smoke, sort this phone out and reply to my friend’s text while I waited for the next bus home as it was such a lovely day.
On checking my phone I found 22 videos, all taken today, all ranging from between 6 and 74 seconds long and all 22 thumbnails of the videos were pitch black. I was racking my brains wondering where these videos came from, then realised that when I had been squashed up between the young girl and the mountain gorilla, my phone must have been taking videos of the inside of my trousers pocket. I deleted them all, texted my friend back, had a smoke than got the bus home.
On arriving home I noticed the base of my landline flashing which means I have a new message. I found this kind of weird because I’m pretty sure no-one knows my new landline number, geez I don’t even know it off by heart myself. That’s why I keep it, along with my mobile number under ‘Me’ in my contacts list on my mobile. I pressed the button on the machine to be informed I have 17 new messages. I play message number 1 and all I can hear is traffic in the background and some heavy breathing. Message number 2 is the same except I hear people talking in the background but the same heavy breathing. I then check the phone itself but as it’s pretty new I can’t work out how to see which number called me last so I dial 1471 and the last number to call me was ‘Unknown Number’. I then check the remaining 15 messages and find that 14 of them were basically the same as the first two messages, all with differing background noises but all with the same heavy breathing. The last message was from some eejit trying to flog me car insurance and I don’t even drive. I deleted all the messages and made a cup of tea. I then remember I have to call back someone who had called me on Friday, I go to my mobile, touch ‘calls’ to find the number and find out that my mobile had made 16 calls to my landline today. I was gutted. For a few minutes I thought some old perv was after me only to realise that it was me who was the perv all along. This is why I believe my phone has a vendetta against me: To do all the things I’ve just mentioned the phone would have to have been touched against the exact icons in sequence without touching another icon while doing so. The odds against that happening must be astronomical?
To play the music at the doctors the phone must’ve been touched in this exact order:- (Music Folder – Blues – Play All – Shuffle), to take the videos of the inside of my pocket it would have to have been:- (Camera – Video – Record) that actually sounds as though it could happen easily but why did it choose Video rather than just take a load of pics of my pocket? To call my landline:- (Phone – Contacts – Me – Home) and when or why did it decide to stop making videos of my pocket after my meeting with gorilla man and start calling my landline? It’s a vendetta and that’s why I need a new phone and it won’t be a touch screen. To anyone that knows me, if you’ve had a call and it’s my number that’s showing and it’s some old perv breathing heavy down the line: it was the phone calling, not me and you now know the reason why.
Just saying...
Monday Morning Blues?
September 8, 2014
Got the Monday morning blues?
Here’s something that just might chase them away. This was sent to me on the internet well over 10 years ago. I can’t even remember who sent it but it never fails to cheer me up. I’m posting it in the exact same way as it was sent to me, so it may not be suitable for younger children.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
• Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
• Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
• Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
• Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
• Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
• Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
• Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
• Judge # 2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
• Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
• Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
• Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
• Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
• Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
• Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
• Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
• Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
• Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
• Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
• Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
• Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
• Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
• Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
• Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Just saying...
Zagzigging or Zigzagging
September 7, 2014
Two brothers, Steve and Patsy were skiing in the Alps a few weeks ago. As they got to the top of a slope one morning, Steve, who was dyslexic turned to Patsy and said “Come on bro’ let’s go zagzigging down this hill”. Patsy replied “it’s not zag-zigging mate, it’s zigzagging”. Steve laughed and said “don’t be silly, it’s zagzigging”. At that point they noticed this other guy walking up the slope pulling this sled behind him, so they meander over to the guy and Steve says “excuse me mate could you explain to my stupid brother here that it’s zagzigging and not zigzagging”. The stranger answered “sorry sir I can’t help you there, I’m not a skier I’m just a tobogganist”. To which Steve replied “Lovely, can I have 20 Marlboro and a box of matches”.
Just saying...
Women & Oyster
September 6, 2014
This is completely true!
For those of you not in the know, you can't pay cash anymore on London buses. You have to pay with an Oyster Card or a Contactless Payment card. Anyway...
The other morning I was heading to the bus stop to catch the bus to go to the supermarket. I was about 150 yards from the stop when I saw the bus approaching and as there was no way I was going to catch it, I sauntered along knowing that I’d just have to wait for the next one. However, I noticed a woman running to try and catch it but unfortunately she missed it too. I’m not going to go into too much detail about this woman, suffice to say she was probably in her late 20’s. When I got to the stop, she was already sitting on the bench and I said “good morning” to her and commented on how unlucky she had been to miss the bus. She completely blanked me as if I wasn’t even there, which was fair enough and I didn’t give it another thought apart from smiling to myself and feeling somewhat happy that she’d missed the bus.
The next bus arrived about 12 minutes later by which time another 3 people had joined the queue at the bus stop. This woman got on the bus and then proceeded to search for her Oyster card or whatever other card she was going to pay her fare with. She had a handbag and some other kind of bag with her and judging by the commotion that was going on, I’m pretty sure she had some other kind of bags inside of these bags too. After about a minute the driver told her to stand aside and look for her card while the rest of us got on the bus, all of us having to reach around this woman with our cards to touch the card reader.
As we sat down, the bus driver could have driven off while this woman was still searching for her method of payment but he didn’t. He decided to wait until she had paid her fare; perhaps he assumed she might be a fare dodger. The driver even asked her to get off the bus and wait for the next one by which time she may have found her card. She was having none of it; she was determined to find her card. There were bags everywhere and after at least another 10 minutes she produced her Oyster card and touched the card reader with it. She didn’t produce it from any of the 17 bags that were on the floor by this time, she produced it from her coat pocket. She then proceeded to gather up these 17 bags and somehow get them all inside the TWO bags she had originally boarded the bus with. Then, without a care in the world and without the slightest bit of embarrassment, strolled up the aisle of the bus and sat down in the same seat next to me. I could tell by the look of and the growling of most of the other passengers that I was not the only person who was not this woman’s biggest fan.
I was absolutely fuming because in the space of 25 minutes, I had gone from being in a really good mood when this woman had missed the bus (after she had blanked me) to being really, really annoyed that she had missed that bus. I didn’t even care how selfish I was being at the thought of the poor passengers on the previous bus having to put up with this woman’s nonsense had she managed to catch that bus. At that particular moment in time, I didn’t even want to be in the same country as this woman, much less being on the same bus and even worse, the same seat. After a few minutes I realised that she wasn’t worth getting upset about and started to calm down.
Then it hit me.
This woman was at the bus stop before me. This woman waited at least 12 minutes for the bus. I know this because I was with her at the bus stop. This woman could and should have had her Oyster card ready when the bus arrived. Why didn’t this woman have her Oyster card ready? Why did this woman search through 17 bags of junk when her Oyster card was in her coat pocket? How on earth did this woman manage to cram 17 bags of junk into TWO bags? Why didn’t this woman run faster? Why didn’t the first bus driver wait for this woman? Why didn’t…Luckily for one of us, the bus arrived at the supermarket and I got off. Maybe I’m just getting cranky in my old age?
Just saying...
QPR v Tottenham
September 6, 2014
This is especially for some friends of mine, namely, Faith, Frank, Joe, Patsy, Leg and Tommy. ;)
There was a 14 year old kid who was born and bred in Shepherd’s Bush, less than half a mile from Loftus Road. One day at school which was also in the Bush, the teacher was giving a lesson about heritage and traditions. When learning of this kid’s upbringing the teacher said to him “you must be a real die-hard QPR fan being born just around the corner”? The kid replied “No Miss, I’m a Tottenham Hotspur supporter”. The teacher, slightly taken aback asks “Tottenham? Why would you support Tottenham”? The kid replied “well Miss, my mum and dad support Tottenham”. “Oh” the teacher said, then added “so if your mum and dad were retards, you’d be a retard too”? “No Miss” said the kid, and after a slight pause added “I’d be a QPR fan”.
Just saying...
Scotland: Yes or No?
September 6, 2014
So, in less than a fortnight this could possibly be the new Union Jack and as a proud Scot who has lived in London for the last 30 years I fear the worst for my country of birth. I get the impression that the UK government are overly confident that the people of Scotland will deliver a NO vote in this upcoming referendum which would therefore keep the Union together. I for one, am not that optimistic and without getting into the debate on the pound sterling or how many barrels of oil are left in the North Sea, here are a few of my reasons why.
When I was at school the only things we were taught in history lessons were how marvellous William Wallace, Robert the Bruce and Bonnie Prince Charlie were. Indeed the only school day outings I ever went on were to Dunfermline Abbey to see where Robert the Bruce was buried and I’m pretty sure I HAD to do that FOUR times. Another thing that really used to rile me and all of my mates was when the English press and media always referred to a Scotsman or Scottish woman as British when they had achieved anything notable and then called them Scottish when they didn’t do so well. I laugh about it now and I’m sure it was done deliberately at the time but it still happens now and again especially with Andy Murray. Now we come to the Scottish national anthem ‘O Flower of Scotland.’ This is not a song that celebrates the beauty of the Scottish Highlands and landscapes, nor is it a song that highlights just how friendly and generous the Scottish people are. This song does not even mention the hundreds of Scots who have contributed so much to the benefit of mankind either. No. The Scottish national anthem is basically an anti-English song which celebrates the fact, that after years and years of being battered from pillar to post, we finally beat the English in a punch-up, in a field at Bannockburn 700 years ago this year. This is something I’m never likely to forget due to the previously mentioned history lessons.
The one saving grace for a NO vote is if the good people of Scotland finally realise what a slithery snake Alex Salmond really is. This man has no interest in what is best for Scotland, he’s only interested in what is best for him. He’s praying for a YES vote because all he wants is his name added to that illustrious list of famous Scots and known as the man who finally set Scotland free. Then future generations of Scottish kids will also be taught about him in history lessons. His main reasons on why Scotland should be independent don’t add up. He says that the Scottish people are sick and tired of being run by a Tory government in Westminster. I believe that to be true but the whole of the North East of England is in the same boat yet we don’t see them up in arms demanding to be segregated from the rest of the UK and becoming a separate state known as Geordieland, do we? Labour lost the last election, get over it, let’s try harder and win the next one. He’s harping on about the NHS in Scotland, yet it’s the Scottish government and Scottish Parliament that already run the NHS in Scotland. His campaign team obviously don’t care much for him either judging by his first live debate with Alistair Darling, didn’t any one of his team think to tell him just how cringeworthy he looked when he kept waddling from behind his lectern to the middle of the stage when he was asked a question from the audience? Did he think he was Pope Francis giving his blessing to the masses? Even I was embarrassed for him, but his team obviously weren’t because he did exactly the same in the second live debate.
The man has however, pulled of a masterstroke in persuading dim-witted Cameron to allow 16 and 17 year olds the chance to vote. The consensus is that because there are only approximately 100,000 of these kids, it won’t make any difference to the outcome either way. If they’re still being taught the same history lessons as I was taught at school and the vote is closer than what many people think it will be, I’d be slightly worried. Can you imagine that the future of Scotland could well be in the hands of a bunch of kids? That’s crazy. Win or lose, none of them can go to the pub to celebrate, or drown their sorrows; they can’t even go the cinema to see the new David Cronenberg movie “Maps To The Stars” which opens the week after they’ve voted.
Although not quite the same scenario, it all reminds me of a funny quote from a pretty entertaining movie: - ‘We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defence. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun’.
Well done if you guess the movie (without googling.)
What is my opinion on the vote? I don’t doubt Scotland could go it alone, I don’t think many people doubt it but why would they want to? It’s too risky. I’m proud to be Scottish but I’m also proud to be British. Scotland’s got the best of both worlds at the moment, why would they risk it?
Just saying...
