Bonanza

December 6, 2023

Paddy goes on Mastermind.

Question master: "Your specialist subject please?"

Paddy: "Bonanza."

QM: "Sorry, we can't allow Bonanza, you'll have to choose another subject."

Paddy: "Feck's sake, OK I'll take the bible."

QM: "Your time starts now. Who was the 1st man on earth."

Paddy: "Hoss."

QM: "Wrong, it was Adam."

Paddy: "Feck's sake, I knew it was one of the Cartwrights."

Just saying...

At the Psychiatrist

September 10, 2014

After that business with my phone the other week at the doctors, I thought you may like to know why I was there in the first place.

I’d been having some really strange dreams for a long while so I made an appointment to see the doctor. After I’d explained the dreams to him he said he would have to refer me to a psychiatrist. I said I wasn’t too happy about that but he told me there was a resident psychiatrist right next door to his office and as luck would have it, she’d just had a cancellation and she could see me immediately. So I popped next door, sat down and the psychiatrist asked “Now sir, your doctor has told me you’ve been having some strange dreams. May I ask what these dreams are about”? I replied rather sheepishly “I keep dreaming that I’m a dog and in these dreams I do all the things a normal dog does, such as fetching sticks, wagging my tail, peeing on trees and humping anyone’s leg that I could get a hold of”. She then asked “Just how long have you been having these dreams”? To which I replied “Ever since I was a puppy”. She gave me a really funny look and then said “Jump up and lie on the couch” and I told her “I can’t…. I’m not allowed”.

Just saying...

Monday Morning Blues?

September 8, 2014

Got the Monday morning blues?

Here’s something that just might chase them away. This was sent to me on the internet well over 10 years ago. I can’t even remember who sent it but it never fails to cheer me up. I’m posting it in the exact same way as it was sent to me, so it may not be suitable for younger children.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

• Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
• Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
• Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

• Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
• Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
• Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

• Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
• Judge # 2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
• Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

• Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
• Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
• Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover

• Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
• Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
• Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

• Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
• Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
• Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

• Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
• Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
• Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

• Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
• Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Just saying...

Zagzigging or Zigzagging

September 7, 2014

Two brothers, Steve and Patsy were skiing in the Alps a few weeks ago. As they got to the top of a slope one morning, Steve, who was dyslexic turned to Patsy and said “Come on bro’ let’s go zagzigging down this hill”. Patsy replied “it’s not zag-zigging mate, it’s zigzagging”. Steve laughed and said “don’t be silly, it’s zagzigging”. At that point they noticed this other guy walking up the slope pulling this sled behind him, so they meander over to the guy and Steve says “excuse me mate could you explain to my stupid brother here that it’s zagzigging and not zigzagging”. The stranger answered “sorry sir I can’t help you there, I’m not a skier I’m just a tobogganist”. To which Steve replied “Lovely, can I have 20 Marlboro and a box of matches”.

Just saying...

QPR v Tottenham

September 6, 2014

This is especially for some friends of mine, namely, Faith, Frank, Joe, Patsy, Leg and Tommy. ;)

There was a 14 year old kid who was born and bred in Shepherd’s Bush, less than half a mile from Loftus Road. One day at school which was also in the Bush, the teacher was giving a lesson about heritage and traditions. When learning of this kid’s upbringing the teacher said to him “you must be a real die-hard QPR fan being born just around the corner”? The kid replied “No Miss, I’m a Tottenham Hotspur supporter”. The teacher, slightly taken aback asks “Tottenham? Why would you support Tottenham”? The kid replied “well Miss, my mum and dad support Tottenham”. “Oh” the teacher said, then added “so if your mum and dad were retards, you’d be a retard too”? “No Miss” said the kid, and after a slight pause added “I’d be a QPR fan”.

Just saying...